save those animals!

CLICK HERE TO WATCH AN ANIMAL CRUELTY VIDEO!


dont say i didnt warn you. it's super traumatising and disturbing. look at those poor poor animals at the slaughterhouses la. look at how they treat the animals. i watched it and i was like @_@ stone there. makes me rethink about eating meat. but no, i cant convert to a vegan! i love meat too much. even milk! and eggs! sighhh. i guess that's just how life works la. even if i convert to a vegan these slaughtering will still continue right. sighhh... poor poor animals. i feel quite bad but still, i love meat. (?)

and love fluttered away at
5:52 pm March 29, 2009

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hello everybody. look at the time now. i know it's crazy to be awake now. but im going to sleep after blogging. yes i didnt sleep a wink. insomia i think. i feel terrible. sighh. so ive been doing my AA all night. or rather, all morning. i've finished 9 and im so proud of myself actually. :) it's so weird to sleep at 5am in the morning cos it usually the time i wake up to go to school. haha. i dont know. i dont feel sleepy. okay maybe a bit. i woke up at noon yesterday. aiya whatever la.


and yes im feeling alot better. looking forward to the outings next week! yes i know i said i wont be going out but study everyday but i feel that i need to feel happy. i need to be happy again. if not i'll lose my sanity soon. so yea, looking forward to outings with lovelies. :)


it's just that i had my future all mapped out and its full of colours and things that i like and i was so looking forward to it. and then my parents came over with a hammer and crushed it into bits. now all i see is a blank white page. kinda depressing but yea. i feel so lost and clueless.


oh well, like everyone's saying, cheer up and it'll all get better. so yea. thanks everyone for the support once again. toodles!

and love fluttered away at
5:00 am March 29, 2009

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thanks everyone for the care and concern.
im fine, really.
life still goes on.
there's just a big part of me missing, but it's okay.
time will heal everything.
sorry for the long wordy emo posts without pictures.
i'll post a happier post when i feel better.
thanks again everybody. :)

and love fluttered away at
11:15 pm March 25, 2009

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its over. my dreams are over. everything i look forward to is over. my great life plan ahead is over. everything is over. yesterday night i was still crying non stop. even when i was doing my homework. i skipped lunch and dinner. just had no appetite. my parents. i really wonder why do they disapprove me of baking. so i couldnt take it anymore and went to ask my mum who was in the room.

"do you really dont like me baking?"
"dont talk to me about that, i dont want to hear."
"no. im serious."
"ok, yes i dont like it."
"do you think baking is a waste of time and money?"
"you want to do then go and do. i dont want to see or say anything."
"so do you want me to study hard everyday and get a good A level grade and go to NUS?"
"yes, of course i would wish you can do that."
"ok."

then i went out of the room and cried in my bed so terribly. really i felt like my life was in shackles. i really felt like dying. so i went to take some pills for relaxing, supposedly would make you drowsy. i took five at one go, hoping i would die from an overdose and not wake up the following morning or something. but amazingly im still alive and kicking. i felt so terrible. i couldnt stand it anymore. so i wrote a long long letter to my parents, telling them how i felt and everything. told them they have crushed my dreams. told them they didnt spare a thought for how i felt and what i really wanted. told them im going to give up my dreams to please them as there was really no point continuing if i dont have their support. it's not like i can go overseas without them helping me right. told them i would be the good girl that they want me to be. and just study forever. and i ended with "im so terribly hurt." i slid the letter under the door and went back to cry till i fell asleep. today, i didnt cry anymore. i think im numbed. my parents seem nonchalent as if nothing happened. i think my heart has been broken into too many pieces, breaking it further does no effect anymore. i feel dejected, hurt, lost. im just resigned to my own fate. the pain is so overwhelming that it numbs. and i did something stupid that made me felt even worse. but i couldnt stop myself. i feel so terrible.

and love fluttered away at
8:04 pm March 24, 2009

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disillusioned. lost. depressed.
ive been crying ever since 8 smth just now. from big wailing to just tearing, the tears just wouldnt stop flowing. i am very hurt now. i feel very lost. im giving up on my baking dream. i threw away the snickers cheesecake and the cookies i made yesterday. nobody likes them anyway. they are awful. atrocious. waste of money and time. nobody likes me baking. im just wasting everybody's time. it really hurts real bad to throw those cake down the bin. i feel all my effort are wasted. all the money i spent are gone. nobody wants it anyway. i tore up my little recipe book that i compiled ever so painfully. i tore it up. i had wanted to paste photos of all the cakes that i made in the book so i can collate more and more. but i tore it up. it was the book with the "happy peggy" cover. how ironic. i tore it into pieces and threw it away. ive no use for them anyway. my dreams, my future, my aspirations, my passions. all crushed and dashed like that. i feel so empty now. so empty. yet the thoughts just keep racing in my head. my life is gone just like that. the only thing i look forward to in life, the only thing that could make me happy, gone. now im going to be a good girl and study well. be a good student in rv. stop being late or absent for class. finish all my homework. do my revisions. get a good A level score and go into NUS or NTU or whatever. im going to be a good daughter and listen to my parents. and do whatever they tell me to do. im not going to go out anymore. im not going to go work in fact. im going to quit my work so i can study everyday. it's the only thing i can do now. study. study. study. i have no choice.

its been such a long time since i truly felt happy. when was the last time i smiled? i dont know. maybe...im just wasting everybody's time. making my parents disappointed. maybe i should just.....

die.

and love fluttered away at
11:36 am March 23, 2009

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I AM SO FUCKING SAD. i cut my hair. and it's so ugly and short now. and the fringe, don't even get me started. i thought because its been so long since i cut my hair(before CNY) i should do some ends trimming. i only planned to trim off those dry ends. AND THE STUPID CHINA WOMAN SNIPPED OFF LIKE TWO INCHES OF MY HAIR. my hair was actually touching my waist and i was so happy because it was FINALLY touching my waist after waiting for so long. and now not anymore. i had wanted to grow it longer and i though maybe in june my hair would have touched my hips so i can perm my hair BUT NOT ANYMORE. i waited so painfully long to grow my hair and now the stupid woman cut it so short. i dont need to perm my hair already la. if i perm it it would become even shorter. im so angry k. im not going to cut my hair for the rest of my life. ARGHHHH SO UGLY. i wanted to grow my hair long and unlayered like jiangyuchen, if you know her. and now it's short and thinner. I HATE THIN HAIR. i hate thick hair too but i hate thin hair more than thick hair. okay never mind. but im so bloody upset la. everytime i look at it i wanna cry okay. GRAHHHHHH.


okay random but im gonna post a list of my pet peeves here.
1) i hate cake smearing. especially during birthdays. CAKES ARE MEANT TO BE EATEN AND NOT SMEARED ON FACES LIKE THAT.
2) i hate it when somebody stands behind me when im using the computer. and they obviously are staring at my screen although im not doing anything i should hide. but privacy, please?
3) i hate it when hairdressers cut my hair shorter than what i told them to. nuff said.
4) i hate it when i owe people money. just don't like the feeling of owing. i'll always make it a point to return the money the next day even though they didn't ask for it or forgot about it.
5) i hate it when people stare at me when im tying my hair in front of the mirror or putting my makeup. WHAT'S THERE TO STARE AT FUCKERS.
6) i hate it when kiasu aunties push their way into crowded trains and ALWAYS look for a seat even though they are getting off like two stops away. and when they dont find a seat, they stand in front of students like us and give us disapproving looks, like we are supposed to give up our seats to them. I HATE IT. (but i do give up my seat to pregnant ladies or weak trembling fragile old people who look like they are going to fall any moment, not to fat aunties who can perfectly stand on their own but their are just too lazy.)
7) i hate running under the sun. nuff said too.
8) i hate seathoggers who bloody sit on the seats beside the aisle of the bus so they can get off easily, leaving the inside seat empty. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BLOODY MOVE IN. and i also hate those people who put their bags on the seat next to their seat. super inconsiderate please.
9) i hate it when you go out with someone and that person talks on the phone or listen to their mp3 and don't plan to stop like you're not there at all. makes me feel not needed.
10) i think im a cleanliness freak. i hate to see my shoes wet or muddy or what. and i hate it when my white bags turn dirty. hate it.


okay that sounded more like my hate list then my list of pet peeves. my hands smells of cookie now cos i was making chocolate cookies just now. haven't tried it yet but i hope it's nice! :)

and love fluttered away at
7:52 pm March 22, 2009

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added some speech bubbles to the pictures. in case some of you were wondering what does it mean, the series of pictures were taken with my webcam. so that means amelia was sitting in front of the computer. ahahaha.


well, finally finished my chemistry assignment and submitted it. but im feeling quite sad. nobody likes my snickers cheesecake as i misread the instructions and put it in the fridge instead of the freezer. but now it's all harden and cold, everybody says its too sweet. ): i spent so long doing it and it 得不到大家的认可. really sucks. now i understand why some chefs/bakers say they cook with their heart and soul and if you taste their food you can feel their love in it. or something like that. nobody feels my love cos its too sweet. never mind, i shall try again tomorrow. i shall make chocolate peanut butter cookies! and i will read the recipe carefully. wish me luck this time! :)


okay last day of holiday tomorrow. should i chiong my homework or just heck all the way? haha. im so not looking forward to school. sigh. au revior people.

and love fluttered away at
10:51 pm March 21, 2009

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lol damn cute right. amelia is spastic totally. i wanna numnum her. (?) btw my sister may be expecting again! HOMG another little terror! lol. i hope it's a boy. yay! another baby to play with ahaha! can't wait!


i made snicker cheesecake today, haven't try it, it's still chillin' in the fridge. LOL. do you know that cheesecake is basically just condensed milk blended with cream cheese. haha. super sinful please. like mix two fat things together. i woke up early to go ntuc with stephanie to buy the baking stuff! then came home and make. and no, i didnt do any homework today. sheesh. i hate it when im always so last minute. i can already foresee that i'll be staying at home on sunday the whole day to try to chiong everything. sian ji pua.


oh i forgot i had wanted to rant about PE for a very long time. I HATE PE TO THE VERY MAXIMUM CORE OKAY. actually, more precisely, I HATE RUNNING. even more precisely, I HATE RUNNING UNDER THE FUCKING HOT SUN. call me a sissy or whatever, i really cant stand the heat. makes me super irritable and annoyed. i have to be like a kiasu and apply sunblock whenever we're going to run under the sun. i dont want to be tan okay. it's like im trying so hard to not be tan and PE has to do this to me. everytime i run i feel like crying k. it's like i feel so 委屈. i didnt come to school to get fucked up by running. if you asked me to run the same distance on the treadmill indoors i would be more willing. and what's more, everytime after im expose to the sun, my skin would start to burn and peel and it's damn painful. i think im a vampire lol. school could have been enjoyable. sheesh. i dont understand how those athletes do it. i dont have anything against them, they were born to run, they have the stamina and ability and the willingness, I DON'T. and really, running 10 rounds on the outer lane is really a killer please. it's not even a requirement of the NAPFA. it's not like it's gonna make me smarter or anything. so to conclude, I FUCKING HATE RUNNING. phew, that was a load of my chest.


oh i wanted to rant about my parents for very long too. could you just be supportive of what i wanna do? it's not like im doing it for fun. im did consider it seriously. when i told you i want to go overseas and study, what was your reaction? "haha, go lor go lor, 有本事then go lor." PLEASE. if i had the ability i wouldnt have asked you in the first place. and i said i wanted to bake and asked if the oven can be used, what was your reaction? "go see lor, i cant be bothered." so you dont mind if i accidentally burnt the whole house down? and that day that i wanted to skip school cos i'll be practically only going for 40min of chem lect and assembly, you refused to let me stay at home. why? why can other parents be so kind and say "oh you don't want to go school then don't go lo, stay at home la." what is it with parents not understanding what we want? i do think about my future, i do want to be successful and lead a decent life, who doesnt? it's not like i pursue my passion of baking then my future will be ruined forever right. who cares if so-and-so's daughter is doing well in a good school. they are they and we are we. compared what shit la. they good then good for them lor. but i doubt they even think of what they REALLY want to do in life, and jsut conform to their parent's expectations. and be a lawyer or doctor or blah. boring please. i dont see what's so wrong with pursuing baking. at least i know i wont starve to death right? so what if the pay may not be as high as those lawyers? i'll be satisfied and happy what. like that piano-tuner featured in the newspaper, he chose that path cos he liked to tuned pianos. he even opened up a shop to sell pianos and teach others to tune piano. although his pay is not that high but at least he enjoys doing it. see. people can do it. why can't i? so what if cambridge requires more than straight A's for entry? it's not like im planning to go there anyway. sheesh. all that i ask you is for you to be more supportive and not dash my dreams by saying such snide remarks in everything i want to do. is that too much to ask for?


phew. okay i was feeling quite sick of life these few days. i didn't go out in the holidays to have fun at all, except for going to work or school. super sian-ed. so i decided to make myself happy for once and abuse my priviledge of my mastercard to shop at some US site. oh i dont really fancy shopping at local blogshops cos they all sell the same things and they dont have sizes for me. super boring. so i went to macy's and nordstrom and amazon to shop and exploited my mastercard. lol partly because i wanted to try the vpost thing and see how it works. finally ordered three stuff which im so waiting for it to arrive. but the bad thing is, there is like almost $500 on my pending settlement in my card that shouldn't be there cos i cancelled the order. okay some of you may not understand but it means that i may lose my money and not get any items. GASP. but i have contacted the bank and merchant and hopefully i'll get my money back. ):


oh dear, today is friday! okaya im not feeling well today. stupid flu and sore throat and headache that's making me not think straight. i shall go sleep now and then do my work tomorrow, if i finally decide to do it once and for all. bye!

and love fluttered away at
10:25 pm March 20, 2009

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okay, holiday now but i don't feel the holiday mood.
had to go back to school for co ytd and we practically didn't do anything much.
had work after that and there will be work tmr too.
i've plenty of homework, gonna list them here:

1)GP comprehension
2)24 AA (article analysis of newspaper cuttings)
3)GP essay on discrimination
4)2 stacks of vocabulary exercise
5)Gaseous State Tutorial Q1-8
6)chem e-portfolio
7)study atomic structure
8)math e-portfolio
9)do math tutorial
10)sort lit file
11)read "wide sargasso sea" and "top girls"
12)price elasticity tutorial

wah thanks man. and ive only got 5 and a half days left. i still have work tmr. nvm, i shall stay at home for the rests of the day despite everyone going out to have fun just to do my homework. im gonna complete every single one of them, wish me luck. but then again, i thought i could use the free day today to do some homework too, in the end i was playing karaokeparty.com and jamlegend.com. so sick of life. (but the games are really fun, go try. :D)

sometimes i really hate coming online. grr. im gonna appear offline forever. just when i thought i changed my status to online so i could talk to someone ive been wanting to talk to online(haha) then a whole swarm of people i dont wanna talk to came to talk to me. whatever lol.

alright i'll try attempting homework. goodbye.

and love fluttered away at
6:28 pm March 17, 2009

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omg. this has got to be the best contest from nuffnang EVER. A FREE PAIR OF TICKETS TO AUSTRALIA? never am i missing this contest man! haha. thus, ive decided, for the first time of my life, to try out this nuffnang contest.



"Nuffnang is giving away:

1) 2 Economy Class tickets on Qantas.

2) Come Walkabout Package & Experience of your choice (One package in one state for 2 only)"



can you say COOL or what? omgomgomg im so excited i so wanna win this thing haha. but who should i bring man? aiya do the contest first la LOL.



"All you have to do is to choose a state in Australia and write about the type of experience that you would like to have there."

hmm okay. actually ive been to australia before. but that was like 3 or 4 years back i think. went to melborne and perth. was quite a fun experience! we went to the blue mountains to see the, well, blue mountains literally. and we went to this wildlife park and we saw an albino peacock! like how cool is that right! the peacock was totally white haha. but i wanna go australia again, and this time i wanna go to the place where everyone says it is the best holiday paradise in australia.


and the place is none other than GOLD COAST! it's almost like every little children's dream to go there. I get so envious of my friends in primary school when they say they went to gold coast during the holidays and the sad sad me would have only went to malaysia to visit my grandmother or something. haha. so i really wanna visit goldcoast if i can! and of course the must-go attraction in gold coast is none other than.....



DREAMWORLD!
whoots! im a sucker for rollercoaster rides! i think people who are too scared for all the thriller rides are losers man. they are just so fun! it's certainly worth queuing an hour for those rides, an experience you'll never forget! haha. and also, dreamworld has this wildlife section where there are tigers! real tigers! so i guess, i can go see the tigers too? LOL.


next stop....



Dracula's Cabaret Restaurant!
omg this is so interesting. it's like a horror themed restaurant and the package includes a ghost train ride, 3-course dinner, and a horror comedy show! and the food have weird names like "Furnace of the Fish", "Silence of Lamb" and the desser is called "Death by Chocolates". Sounds yummy lol! and they have a haunted house too which i think will be so much more fun than the lousy one at Escape. omg i wanna visit this scary place and see if i'll get spooked out. haha!


and if i really go gold coast, how can i ever miss out on...



Paradise Jet Boating!
Gold Coast is all about the water, the sand, the sun and the shores. I so have to engage in this adventurous water sport! I saw the video of how the boat spins 360 degrees on the the water and everything, so interesting! I wanna try it lol. Im so game for anything thrilling and fun!


there are so many other attractions in gold coast i wanna visit but i cant possibly list all of them down. looking at all the pictures just makes me wanna grab my luggage and head off to gold coast immediately! it sure beats boring singapore. so nuffnang please fulfil my wishes and bring me there! :)


actually i wanna go australia is also because my family is going there in april without me! because im not on holiday. ): and my niece is getting married there! how can i miss it! grr. so nuffnang, you better let me win this so i can spite all of them and have a good time all by myself(and someone else)! all you sorry asses can go sydney for all i care. lol!


alright, that's it. i hope that was good enough for the contest. (though i have this bad intuition i wont win anyway). but even if so, i'll put gold coast on my list of places to visit and i'll go there next time, just to see how gold the coast really is.


everyone please be a darling and click on the nuffnang ad if you see it! thanks!

and love fluttered away at
5:11 pm March 15, 2009

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gawd my blog is so dead.(did i say this same line in my previous post? hmm.) it's been such a long time since i came online and update somthing so this post is gonna be totally random and non-linear kay. im just typing whatever that comes to mind that ive been intending to type the next time i update my blog which is now. okay whatever.



me and dodo at the airport last last sunday.(or was it on sat?) we slacked at tcc and watched love 2000 again! that show is absolutely touching and nice and takeshi is super hot. nope we havent finished it lol. oh i had the chicken baked thingy at tcc while dodo had a bowl full of potato wedges with cheese dip. she was so sick of life eating so many potatoes haha. and then we shared the matcha kiss thingy which was not bad. but tcc damn ex sia, sigh.



my brother's birthday is this wednesday so i bought him a gift - a zippo lighter. and it cost a goddamit $50 for that lighter. am i the best sister in the world or what lol. he wanted it so i got it for him. i dont know what's so good about it though, i can easily get a cheap $1 lighter that those ahpek use when smoking and it does the job equally well. i guess it's a symbol of coolness? lol, my brother doesnt smoke anyway so i dont know why he likes it. never mind, as psychotic as it sounds, seeing people happy makes me happy. (?)


today i was quite irritated because:
i had a friggin bad hair day.
my mum burnt the prata that she was doing for me.
the uncle at the bus stop kept staring at me so i stared back.
the same uncle sat next to me on the bus.
there was an auntie massaging her earlobes on the bus.
i realised i grew alot fatter.
but im on a permanent hungry mode so i couldnt stop eating.
didnt bring my cardigan and today was a cold day.
didnt wear my school badge.
my mum forgot to iron my shirt.
got a 25/50 for my lit paper.


and im quite pissed with the school. apparently they send teachers to go to the bus stop to catch those latecomers who are late but dont want to go and stand in front of the whole school during assembly. the teachers think they can control us by hauling all of us back and embarrassing ourselves by making us stand in front of the whole school. but by doing this, true, we wont be staying at the bus stop anymore, in fact more of us will rather take the bus all the way to harbourfront, eat some breakfast then go back to school. 2mins late and 30mins late is still considered late anyway right. so the school is really just making out lives difficult la. i dont see why we have to stand in front of the whole school just because we were like late for 2 mins? just because "we were not queuing up in our class at 7.32am when the music stop"? cut us some slack la. if you think about it, if we didnt have to go and stand in front of the whole school when we were late, i think most of us would probably take the initiative and try to be earlier to avoid cwo. and if we were late and the-one-who-shall-not-be-named is going to call our parents so they can come to fetch us home and just dont go for school, i think most of us will just go home ourselves lo. i mean, even if we come to school we still have to go home, still have to bother our parents, as might well we just go home ourselves right? brainless people.


and speaking of school, I WANNA QUIT CO. seriously, i should have known it was a wrong choice at the start to return back. now they're telling me i have to go back on saturdays and march holidays when i only agreed to return when i didnt have to do all these. and if i just dont go, they are going to say im irresposible and everyone will be emo. god please. actually i really dont want to leave all of you in the lurch like that, but i really dont wanna go all the way to school on a beautiful saturday morning just to practise my little drum parts which is like so simple. it's not like i can't play well if i dont go or anything. sigh. life's getting tough.


actually im getting more and more sick and tired of school. i really dont have any interest to study anymore. everyday my mind is just filled with what comes after A levels, whether i will get into SIA or venture to japan to stay for awhile or start learning to bake or what. i cant see eye to eye with what im doing in school man. i like almost flunked everything except math which i got a A. my trusty math lol. but even so, what im going to do in future doesnt need what im going to learn now right. except for maybe economics when i open my own shop? i failed it terribly by the way. 18.5/50 thanks. im more interested to read cookbooks then stupid atomic structure notes. everyday i flip the papers and i see some young aspiring chefs telling about their life stories. whether they are clever or not, they drop school halfway just to pursue their interest and now they have their own shops. my turn to do that kay. it's funny how different the reactions you get when you tell others you want to be a baker rather than a banker. just the difference in the letter N and people can either support you all the way and tell you "you have a bright future" or that they will persuade you not to take that route and focus on your studies. blah blah blah. im so sick of it. im doing all these for myself, even if i failed, i know i tried right? if not im gonna regret all my life and feel that my life is just what others tell me to do and blah. so wasted.


digress: jesslyn told me this joke and it's so funny we couldnt stop laughing. its about the funny chinese names one la. lemme try to remember them.
monica chng (touch your buttock)
anne chang (dirty)
paul chan (bankrupt)
jane tan (frying egg)
nelson tan (bird lay egg)
leslie tong (dustbin)
pete tsai (nose shit)
funny right! ahahaha. you must say it aloud in the very hokkien/chinese way damn funny sia lol. okay fine, it's not very funny but give me face leh. laugh!


oh yesterday i felt the sudden urge to see if my oven was working so i could bake so i tried to switch it on. it really did! there was light and the thing could heat up! i was so happy man, i thought finally i can bake some yummy stuff. and my father was happy as he thought we could use the oven to roast chicken next time. then five minutes later, there was a blackout LOL. why like that sia! does that mean the oven is spoil? sianzzzz.


yesterday i was helping my mum clear all the expired bottles and cans of food from the cupboard and the fridge and i realised there was so many of them! damn wasted can. some of then havent even open before! there was like unopened sauces, maggi mee, condiments, vermicelli.... all expired. some expired for more than a year already! haha. but the sad thing was, my cartoon maggi mee was expired too! i forgot to eat them fast enough man! they expired in january this year! sianzzz. my microwavable molten caramel fudge cake all havent use yet! damn sian okay. that thing is super yummy and easy to make. nvm. i shall go ntuc and buy somemore. haha.


oh dear, amelia woke up and i have to go take care of her. bye! long long post for you lol.

and love fluttered away at
5:54 pm March 09, 2009

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